In today’s fast-moving dating culture, the dynamics of relationships are changing, but not all of them for the best. Monkey-barring, for instance, is a word used to describe the current trend where people are moving from one relationship to the next without an apparent gap in between. Though it might be perceived as a means of survival for some, it has also been known to cause confusion, stress, and trust issues.
What is Monkey-Barring?
Monkey-barring refers to a dating behaviour where a person holds on to their existing relationship while at the same time trying to secure a new one. In other words, a person does not end one relationship before finding a “next option,” but rather does the reverse by finding a “next option” first and then ending the existing one. It is a metaphorical comparison to swinging on monkey bars where one hand does not let go until the other hand has a secure grip.
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Why do people do it?
At its core, monkey-barring is driven by fear. Many individuals struggle with being alone and look for emotional safety in constant companionship. Some rely heavily on validation from partners, making it difficult to face the uncertainty that comes with a breakup. Others avoid difficult conversations and see this behaviour as an easier way out rather than confronting the truth directly. A lack of communication skills and emotional independence often plays a role in sustaining this pattern.
Why is it considered toxic?
The harm of monkey-barring is not only to one individual; the current partner is deceived into thinking everything is well in the relationship when, in fact, the relationship may already be coming to a close behind closed doors. Meanwhile, the other individual is unaware that he or she is becoming involved in a relationship based on deception. The behavior hurts everyone involved, including the perpetrator of the behavior, as he or she is not allowing for honest closure and personal growth.
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How to break the pattern?
The first step to change is recognising the behaviour. Understanding the underlying motivation for the behaviour, such as fear of loneliness or need for validation, is also important. Learning how to be single without seeking emotional replacements immediately is also important for stability and self-awareness. Developing better communication skills, especially in breaking off relationships, is also important. Finally, developing a sense of self-worth that does not come from being in a relationship can also lead to more genuine relationships in the future.
